I don’t even want to write this post

I don’t want to write this, or any post. But half of why I’m here (it’s always half, so many halves, and I’m actually good at math!) is to write so I’ll just make a crappy post and push it out of the way.

(I hate that it puts double spaces between paragraphs. I’ll need to Google that). Anyway I’ve been feeling just kind of shitty the last few days. It’s been raining and  cold. That bus ride was pretty trying. Culture shock is real, it doesn’t matter if you really like the culture. This room is adorable but it doesn’t have a window and I’m amazed how much that messes with my mood, sleep, focus. I left my vit B behind somewhere because they made me nauseous, and hadn’t replaced them. I haven’t been sleeping well since hitting Madrid.

I’m sorry Madrid, to have had a breakdown while here. You deserve better and I’ll come back and visit you properly because I think we’d get along wonderfully. If it’s any consolation, I also had a breakthrough whilst here! And things are looking up! For instance, I’m dressing up and going to a Hallowe’en Swing dance mega party tonight! And the remaining days of my visit have no rain scheduled so I’ll do some of your free walking tours! Also, I’ve gone through a 48 hour period of intense observations and realizations and appreciations and I want to just list all the words ending in ations now.

I’m not even going to proof read this. It’s not like I’m famous or anything. It’s not like seventy-eight followers are going to message me with corrections.

I journal every day, I write a great deal every day right now – partly because there’s no one to talk to really. And many entries I think “Yeah, I should blog that.” But then I don’t because I’ve been low and lethargic. So I’m just posting something to get posting again, to start pushing hard on that boulder to get it rolling again.

I make a to do list every day again now. That’s something that motivates me. I have an overall Europe to do list and when I was homesick and afraid, I turned it into a “can’t go home until you do” list because I gamify everything. Today I have : scarf? (I want to buy an infinity scarf I really like), postcards, paint nails, orange lipstick, artist pages, blog, PARTY! When I hit “publish” I’ll have completed four things.

Having no window is so weird. I must track time partially by the changing light of the day because I could stay in this room and read and write and listen to music all day long and not know the day is over. I must make sure to never be incarcerated. Also, of course, because the food sucks. Holy shit, writing that paragraph caused me to look at the time. It’s almost 6PM! I better go buy some postcards soon!

This is what it sounds like in my head all the time. All the time, non-stop stream of consciousness like I am narrating my own life as blog post. I see things that interest me and write blog posts or poems about them in my head constantly. Today I remembered how before my parents sold the organ, I used to write songs on it. I wonder what would have happened if they hadn’t sold the organ. I wonder what would happen if I bought myself a keyboard.

This has no natural end because it never stops in my head. I’ll just stop here.

 

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